SAHM vs WORK

It was a very rough day. Jon and I decided we cannot stay out past 7pm from now on. Even if Jolynn is able to sleep wherever we are, we cannot. Staying up all night is not in our future anymore. Last night we got home late, Jolynn got up around 1am. Normally she sleeps for almost 4 hours at a time. Not last night. 2 hours here and 2 hours there. Fed her at 6am, then Jon left for work. It's like she knows when he leaves because she wakes up 15 min later. At 7:30 she was awake and screaming. Sometimes I am able to bring her into our bed and she sleeps for another 2 hours. Not this time. She stayed awake for the rest of the day. She would sleep for a couple hours and then be up again. I tried everything - feeding, changing, burping, the swing, rocking chair, massaging her tummy, moving her legs into her chest, Gripe Water and Mylicon, I even took her temp to rule out sickness. Nothing was working. She just kept screaming. I could at least tell that it was the "I'm in pain" cry. It happens often with her gas build up. Usually it goes away after a feeding.

At this point I was at my breaking point. I had to leave her in her room with the door shut. Then I cried. I couldn't stand listening to her cry so I went back in. I should have stayed out. Holding her didn't make a difference (usually this soothes her); however, if I cried, she didn't. Go figure. I don't know how SAHMs do it. I just can't do this 24 hours 7 days a week. I would truly go insane. By the time Jon got home I was so ready to go back to work.

Jon got home at 4pm. It was time for another feeding, so we tried everything again. She cried again until it was time for another feeding at 7:30. Instead of trying to lay her down in her crib, this time I said I would just hold her until she fell asleep. By 8:30 she was out cold. I was afraid to move. She looked so peaceful (finally). She let out a couple good farts, so I knew something was working.

I love Jolynn. She is so precious and peaceful when she is feeling well. Getting to that point has been the challenge. With me breaking after a day of this, I also hope that Jon will be able to handle the stress when I go back to work. After a few hours when he was home, he sounded just like me. She doesn't know what shut up means, it only makes US feel better. She still cries. I have never known myself to have depression, but after today I wonder if I do. Was my crying just my way of releasing the stress? Should I be worried that this is going to develop into something worse? I don't have any genuine thoughts of hurting my child or myself. Sure, I screamed at her and in another room, I cried in another room and while holding her. At the same time, this evening I was so happy to get her to sleep (and fart) that I didn't want to put her in her crib. I could have stayed where I was until she woke for her next feeding.

Here's hoping that tomorrow brings a better day. Couldn't get worse than crying all day...could it?

Hospital Bill

just got the bill from Maple Grove Hospital - so glad we have good insurance. $1480/day for the NICU, $2791 total for labs, $1567 for IV solutions, $792 for supplies. Total bill=$14,032. They applied an uninsured patient discount for $8840, bringing our total down to $5191. Jon says once Jolynn is on his insurance we will get a new bill that will be drastically less. Can't imagine what other parents do that have preemies in for months. Jolynn was only in for 6 days.

Daytime TV

Being home this past week and now alone on a Sunday, I have realized why I enjoy working. There is NOTHING on TV during the day. Infomercials, soap operas, sporting events, religious programs. Probably doesn't help that we only have basic channels. I found myself watching WWE Superstars while pumping this morning. Sad. Really Sad.